I’m not so alone anymore – an Audience Song by Brayden and Leea

30 September, 2020

The Song – I’m not so alone anymore

Sit down with me for a minute or two
I can’t talk to my family but I’ll talk to you
It’s been a hot second since we both checked in Are you doing okay?
Overthinking again
I am fine
We’re alright
I don’t always recognise faces
But I’m learning to recognise yours
I’m not so alone anymore

So many changes in so many days
Too much time hoping it all goes away
I’ve gotten so close to the walls in our room But I’m trying our best
Now I’m talking to you
And it’s fine
We’re alright
I don’t always hear what you say
Straight away but I’ll take it on board
And I’m not so alone anymore

Starting to listen to myself
I’m starting to love me like a friend again
Starting to listen to myself
I’m starting to love me just the way I am
Starting Starting Starting

I’m not so alone
I’m not so alone

Sit down with me for a minute or two
I can’t talk to my family but I’ll talk to you

The Story

At the start of 2020, a month or so before the first lockdown, I realised that I have a type of DID (OSDD type 1B). It involves a lot of dissociation, amnesia problems, migraines, and most significantly, “multiple personalities”. This is something that develops at a young age, but can often be hard to identify, even for the person who has it. This turned my whole world upside down, and it’s been a very chaotic, intense year on top of everything else going on in the world.

At the start of this year, I realised that I have DID

(Dissociative Identity Disorder, formerly known as Multiple Personality Disorder).

It felt like my whole world fell apart, everything I thought I knew about myself turned out to be wrong. I thought I had things figured out, my gender, my sexuality, my profession, who I was and what i wanted to be. And I liked who I was, after 24 years of struggling, I felt like I had finally reached a place of stability and healthiness, I was proud of how far I had come.

This realisation shattered that idea though, it was like discovering that I am only a tiny piece of a scattered puzzle. I had no idea where to even begin, to try put things back together. It was terrifying, to be honest, it brought a lot of problems to the surface that I didn’t even realise were there.

A lot of little things started to make sense though; Why my favourite colour always changed, why I would sometimes just suddenly hate every item of clothing in my wardrobe, why I could never settle on or figure out my queer identity, why I couldn’t recognise my closest friends face’s sometimes, why some years of my life are just a vague disconnected blur.

I’ve always been proud of how open I am about things, about my transgender identity, about my health conditions, etc. I love being involved with communities around these aspects of my life and sharing my experiences. I was relieved, last year, to be finally and fully out of the closet about my queerness, and beginning my journey into transitioning.
However, I found myself, to my frustration, stuck right back in a whole new kind of closet, one with unfamiliar stigma to navigate.

I’ve decided I’ll never tell my family.

I’ve told a few friends with mixed results, and I’m eternally grateful to the ones who met this knowledge with gentle, loving curiosity and support. My partner has helped me along every single step of this journey and loves every clown in this haphazard circus (I’m very lucky).

But in all the difficulties among coming to terms with this, I feel like I’ve actually been able to start getting to know myself, for the first time ever. It feels like I’ve finally reached the starting line for a race that many people started years ago. There has been a great sense of relief, for every part of myself that I find and reconnect with. Self-compassion seems a lot easier when it feels like you’re talking to someone else.

I’ve learned how to care for myself, to listen to myself, to learn from myself, and to treat myself like a friend.

I’m learning that, while I’m a lot more broken than I thought, there’s so much more to me than I ever thought there could be. I know it’s going to be hard, but every day I’m learning more and more about this little ragtag team that makes up the person that I am. I’m learning to love myself all over again, and this time I don’t feel so alone. – Anonymous

Audience Song is a collective of songwriters who compose songs inspired by stories that speak of overcoming the challenges and adversities in our fast-changing world.
AUDIENCE SONG is a project by Song Conversations

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