Loss and Love – an Audience Song by Grace Duncan

30 September, 2020

The Song – Loss and Love

You make the best fudge
I make you liquorice tea
You write me in your novels
I sing you through your troubles
You hold my hand on trains
I hold yours when you come home
when you came home

We talked about our past
All of the time we’d shared
We talked about our future
All of the kids we’d planned
But one morning you woke
Shattering the dreams we shared

Now I’m navigating
How to let my heart drain
The hours and hours of overthinking

Didn’t think I’d be waiting at this station
Longing for time to bring healing again
And I hear it coming, But where does it go?

I slowly came to terms
With grief and broken words
Saw everything I knew
change to a darker blue

And still I’m navigating
How to let my heart drain
The hours and hours of overthinking

Didn’t think I’d be waiting at this station
Longing for time to bring healing again
And I hear it coming, But where does it go?

Though the mountains and hills be shaken or removed
Still my love and kindness will not depart from you

The Story – I faced/face relationship breakdown and mental health issues.

Through all of these experiences, I have felt incredibly wronged, isolated, depressed and very uncertain of myself.

Hi Grace, here is my story. I had been with my boyfriend for 11 months. It was an incredible season of my life, filled with absolute awe and wonder at the world and completely head over heels in love. In saying that, I was still aware of the hard work it took to keep a relationship going.

We had talked a lot about our future together, and even talked about marriage and how many kids we would have (I know, cheesy). One morning he told me he was not as certain about our relationship as he once was and that we should take it easy for a while. After that the days all blur into one but it took about 5 days before it officially ended. I was absolutely shattered, how could I not have seen this coming?

In my grief and disappointment, I lost all energy and motivation.

I was in the final year of my studies and I honestly didn’t know how I was going to finish. I stopped eating regular meals, I had this weird feeling in my stomach that just wouldn’t go away and I guess feeling hunger was better than feeling pain. I lost 10 kg’s in the space of 3 months and eating just felt so self-indulgent. After that, I found solace and help in my friends, went to counselling and finished my degree which was a massive achievement. I journaled a lot throughout this time and prayed and sometimes I felt God’s presence, sometimes I didn’t but just getting my thoughts out helped me to process it.

It has now been a year and a half since the breakup and I wish I could say I’m so much better now but there’s another part to the story.

Beginning of this year I was a recent graduate and had full-time employment until May. I was getting a lot of experience but with a cost to my mental health. Then COVID hit. I went from working full time 55+ hours a week, to level 4 lockdown. I moved home with my parents for 3 months and retreated into my own self-pity, letting them take care of me. I also very much enjoyed being home, spending time with people I hadn’t seen in a while (once in level 2), and restoring my spirit. Moving back to Auckland I was excited to settle into my normal routines again and find another job etc. However, since everyone was now looking for jobs, a recent graduate with not much experience was way down on the list. I was able to get the wage subsidy which I am very grateful for. However, my mental health kept declining.

Recently I was diagnosed with anxiety and mild depression.

It’s something I have suspected for a while but wasn’t sure whether it was just in my own head. I am now once again trying to put myself back on track, and I am certain that things will get better because they have done before.

“For though the mountains should depart and the hills be shaken or removed…

Yet My love and kindness shall not depart from you, nor shall My covenant of peace and completeness be removed, says the Lord, Who has compassion on you” Isaiah 54:10 AMPC

Thanks for letting me tell my story. – Anonymous

Audience Song is a collective of songwriters who compose songs inspired by stories that speak of overcoming the challenges and adversities in our fast-changing world.
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